So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
