I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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