The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
