You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
