Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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