You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
