We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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