i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
well most of my day revolves around power hour
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
