im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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