there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
