the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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