I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish you could order shots online.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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