Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
