I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
