So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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