Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
