OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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