I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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