I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize