CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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