can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
