So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
