I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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