I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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