i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
