Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
