Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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