Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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