I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You pole danced in your parka.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
