don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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