I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
