Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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