I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
