It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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