god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
