I hate your face
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
