Four minutes until I can fart!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
