I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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