Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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