so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
