Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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