Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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