i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
