home. puking in laundry basket.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
