Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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