I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
