i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
