i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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