I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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