Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
