Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
