and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
