the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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