..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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