recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
