you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
