I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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