I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize