U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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